The Impossible Dream?!

And so the judgment day has ended. I was indicted as an “okay-she-passed-the subjects-so-what?!” student. I got my course cards not expecting failed marks at the same time not aiming the Dean’s list.

Wait! Okay, I lied. I am really hoping to see my name in the bulletin board with the top students of this term. It was my dream ever since I entered college. Unfortunately, it didn’t happened even once. I truly miss the feeling of being honored. I’m not bragging but I was an achiever since elementary and high school. I don’t know what happened to me and I neglected my studies. I guess I was discouraged when I first received a failing grade in my programming course. Don’t ask why because it’s obvious. The subject is as hard as counting the sand in the beaches. Can you imagine that?! Only the geniuses can pass that. I’m just kidding it was my entire fault.

Well, I tried hard to cope with the times I wasted. But no matter how I try, it’s insufficient. What should I do? There’s only one term left and I can’t see any hope with the subjects I will take :( Oh! I don’t want to believe that it’s an impossible dream.

As I get the course cards today, I was on tenterhooks to see what grades I made. First I got a 2.5, then another 2.5, followed by three 3.0s and the last one – I was praying it’s a 4. Unluckily, I saw a 3.5. *sigh* “All right, it would never happen”, I murmur to myself.

Why is being in the dean’s list creates a big fuss? Maybe because of fame, honor and additional bling-bling in one’s resume – I do not know. Everyone has their own unique reasons. As for me, I wanted to present it to my parents as a gift for their hard work and continuous support for sending me to such a prestige school. (Acting as a good daughter.) Seriously, I am a good daughter. XD

I realized that I shouldn’t be disappointed like this now. I am already blessed and worthy of the grades I got. Although, DL seems an unreachable dream I will give my best. As what my friends told me: “We can do it! Don’t lose hope and give it your best shot!” I will try again.

Do not disturb!

My mind is busy thinking of what significant things to do while my heart is tired of entertaining peculiar and unexplainable emotions.

Hatred, love, depression, bliss, my past, my future, you, me, the whole lot about us.

Everything is in mess – all mixed up!

Right now, I just want to scream and cry. No one understands me, no one cares. No matter how I calm myself, I can feel that not a soul is there to comfort me! I can’t trust anybody – it’s just me and GOD.

For the meantime, I wanted to put a barrier that nobody can enter or hide beneath the earth that not even you can get through. What’s wrong with me?! I’m scared that this feeling will lead to hatred. I don’t want to hate anyone – just myself.

Do not disturb! That’s my simple plea. Let this feeling fade away before I face you. When will be the right time? Maybe seven days, a month or a year? I don’t know when but I hope it won’t take long. :(

Goodbye..

My heart is screaming out loud tonight. I can’t stop myself from crying. Every time I look back to the photographs of our past, my tears start to fall. Now, I’m drowning in my own sea of loneliness. Why’d you have to go? I know the answer but I can’t accept the fact that you won’t stay here anymore. The very moment you told us that you’re leaving, we showed sad emotions. Counting the remaining days we could spend together, we used the time to make memoirs of happiness, youthfulness and friendships. So sad but true, we’ll be far away from you.

Those memories we made together - the never-ending laughter that made our tummy ache, the tears we shed, the sleepless nights we had to make our annoying reports, and the craziest things we done together, I’ll treasure all of these in my heart forever. Yes, only memories will keep me closer to you. It makes me really sad. :( Expressing how much I treasure this friendship is a challenge. You may think that I don’t care at all but when you come across my mind you’ll see that it’s one of the things I cherish the most.

Good bye is a painful thing to say but it’s an assurance that we will see each other again. Three or four years, no matter how long it will take, we were still here and wait for you ‘til the end. We wish you good luck and God bless. Give it your best! We will be cheering on you, dearest friend.

Now, it’s time to say good bye. I can’t stop these tears but I’ll give my sincerest smile. I want you to remember only the happy things so you wouldn’t have to cry. I will miss you. Until we meet again my friend. :)

A smile from an angel

My day ended with brimming happiness. The smile won’t fade away on my lips. Their laughs, our laughs, these are still echoing in my ears. Playing with those innocent children made me feel young and rejuvenated. Their cheerfulness and positive aura gave me an opportunity to take a glimpse on my youth once more. Seeing those kids with rainbows in their eyes and having fun with us, it was worthwhile.

Sadly, they were abandoned by their own parents and at a very early age, they felt no parental love at all. Despite this, they show big smiles. Yes! They’re the real ones. Fortunately, they were being taken cared of by kind volunteers and of course, patient nuns.

Sometimes we cannot avoid sentiments towards them. Pitiful and sympathetic, we can only make them grin. Questioning why did this happened to them, we felt resentment with their unworried parents. Who wants to leave their children? I guess only those who don’t listen to their conscience are guilty. Am I being judgmental? Maybe but I’m only saying the truth. Well, everyone have their own reasons. Maybe God has something to do with it. Surely, He has plans for them. God only knows why and what kind of future awaits them.

Love in the Rain..

It was raining heavily. Umbrellas were everywhere. Everyone’s on a dash. The sky is crying as if it’s agonizing with me. I am walking alone, staring at people’s faces and looking at their peculiar expressions, I wasn’t aware of what will happen then.

You were wandering on your own. You’re enjoying the scenery while holding on a yellow umbrella. You were a reminiscent of a young lad who doesn’t give a damn to what others might say. Politely greeting everyone you meet and giving them your sweetest smile, that makes you look innocent and naive.

Down the road, our paths convened. You glanced at me while I looked straight into your soul. The sound of my heart beating was deafening. It’s out of control. The time stopped in an instant. Every movement became slow. The picture of your face was clear yet no expressions can be seen. Though you didn’t recognize me, I felt glad and happy. I was smiling secretly. I was waiting for you to look back but you never did. I knew that you can’t see anything but HER , still i'm hopeful:(

Cruel love!

Burying this painful feeling in the grave of my past is as hard as solving a calculus problem. I always thought that LOVE will bring me delight, pleasure and contentment. I’m sure that LOVE is heaven. But all this confidence I had in love has been washed away the very moment I experienced it. It was all vague assumptions. I may sound like I was a LOVE-hater, but I’ll tell you: No, I’m not! I was just blinded by the lies of what they say “The Beauty of Love” and now I’m awakened. LOVE is indeed beautiful if and only if it was shared by two people. Unfortunately, I thought we were deeply in-LOVE, that we both felt it, but I was mistaken. I was the only one, me and myself alone. It was one-sided. I tried to resist but that feeling is strong that I can’t do anything but to bear with it. It lasted for days, then weeks, months and months and sadly for years. I waited so long hoping that he’ll knock at my heart even just for once. And as expected, he didn’t even passed by. Do you know how painful it was? It’s like I was stabbed directly in the heart. Bleeding, wounded and still unhealed, silently my heart is crying.

It wasn’t his fault. I’m the one who chose to be hurt. Yes! The blame is all in me. Everything has been done, no one can change it. It’s better to leave it that way. Now, I’m taking the path I chose: Continue to love him until the day I can fully heal this wounded heart of mine. Am I being martyr? Forgetting someone is as difficult as trying to remember a person when you have amnesia. I don’t want to fill up my pain meter. It has a limited capacity and might explode soon. It’s better this way. I’m contented just seeing him from afar even though slowly, he's walking away.

a beautiful nightmare...

Lately, i am bothered by this unexplainable feeling,
is it part of growing? Am i really maturing?
well I don't know a thing !
but I think it is exciting...

how it all started?

At first, I didn't felt any emotions
when he was introduced by our new companions,
he's a good guy with a sense of humor,
a rich kid who needs to hire a tutor...
we became friends but that's all
I never expected that he would fall...
he asked if he could court me,
I was shocked and replied "maybe"
I was happy to know he likes me.
but friends is all that we can be...
it was to late before I realized,
I like him too but I lied,
I never tried to confess fearing everything will be in mess...
semesters passed, now everything's in past..
unfortunately my feelings didn't last..
we were not like we used to be
because he's now a stranger to me,
no talks, just HI's after that he bids goodbye..
but every time I remember,
those limited times we had together...
it just makes me smile,and reminisce for awhile...

but I'm not sure if what i felt was true
or maybe it was just a cue
that everthing i've gone through
was just a nightmare of two...

Things are finally over,
it's time for me to move on and recover
for all what happenned was just a dream,
a dream I wish to become real.